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Miscarriage

It wasn’t planned. My first born son was just a toddler, not even two yet. I was pregnant again. I remember this overwhelming feeling of fear when I first found out. I was not prepared for another baby so soon and wasn’t even sure at that point in my life if I wanted to have more than one child. At the first gynecologist appointment, everything appeared fine. A healthy heartbeat was detected. I was given pictures of the ultrasound. A due date was set. I was trying to come to terms with having another child so soon after the first. A couple of weeks later, when I was approximately eight or nine weeks along, I became sick. I’m not sure if it was a virus or food poisoning, but it caused me to vomit so violently that I started to bleed. I knew something was wrong. I scheduled a follow up gynecological appointment. The ultrasound technician had to call the doctor into the room. They could no longer detect a fetal heartbeat. My doctor looked at the ultrasound screen and said, “The brai
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Look At This Man

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Look at this man. Can you see the shame in his eyes? I can. That’s the look of a man that abandoned 5 children in the United States only to flee the country, running away from all of his business and personal responsibilities, just to start a third family in some carefree gorgeous paradise.  That’s the look of a man that owes my three children and I over $72,000 in back child support and alimony. Not to mention how much he owes to the girl he cheated on me with for the two kids he spawned with her. On a side note, I wonder how she feels about him these days? Doesn’t this man look proud? Just look at him! This 40 plus year old man dressing and acting like he’s still in his 20’s. He’s still so vivid and virile! He has to be in order to keep up with that pretty little young thing he has impregnated. I am highly doubtful  she is even out of her 20’s. She didn’t like the fact that I posted this photo of their new happy family on my social media stories a few days ago, so I decided to memori
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I See Myself

I see myself As a constellation  A series of stars  Aligned just right  All you want to do Is stare into my night I see myself  As the moon With permanent tears in my eyes  Trying to hide  From the people  That worship the sky
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Pulverize

I would never tear you to pieces  But I might pulverize whatever is left
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Ocean Reset

Take me to the place  With coral mornings Where the water meets the skies Sea oats will sway  Through wasted days Breezing into mauve colored nights
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Legacy

If I’m lucky, I have lived over half of my life. With what time I have left, I am going to drown my life in beauty. If you can’t create your own type of aesthetic or accentuate mine, then there is no place for you here. I will cultivate a curious kind of genuine beauty. And if you want to swim in the bigger sea of ugly, that will be no concern of mine. It will not detract from my light. But don’t be surprised when I take your ugly, and turn it into something extraordinary. What I do with what you feed me is forever out of your control. My home and garden will just get more and more whimsical. My flowers will twinkle like glitter all over my yard. As I watch my kids grow, and need me less and less, I will lead them with humor as my grace. The community I serve will never feel the stress I carry on my shoulders. Their interactions with me will always be pleasant. I will not drop my frustrations on the public as others have done to me. Service with a smile, even when the customer is wrong
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20 Years

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20 years can drip slowly down a drain, but the memories eventually cause a clog. I have had to grit my teeth through this entire day that would have been my 20th wedding anniversary. It stings more than I think it should. The divorce was 8 years ago. My story doesn’t feel real anymore when I tell it, but my brain’s muscle memory won’t let me forget.  Every man that I have cared about since him has been nothing but a shadow of my ex husband. It’s like they all fell out of the same tree. Emotionally unavailable. Liars. Cheaters. Good CHRISTIAN men. The pattern is relentless and exhausting. That man took so much from me. He stole what my idea of marriage was and incinerated it. He took my youth and he wasted all of my trust without the slightest hint of remorse. There is no way to repair that. But he will never take away Marianna’s first two points in a basketball game. He doesn’t get to see Luca hit his first triple in baseball. He won’t get to see Anthoni graduate later this year and be
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