20 Years

20 years can drip slowly down a drain, but the memories eventually cause a clog.

I have had to grit my teeth through this entire day that would have been my 20th wedding anniversary. It stings more than I think it should. The divorce was 8 years ago. My story doesn’t feel real anymore when I tell it, but my brain’s muscle memory won’t let me forget. 

Every man that I have cared about since him has been nothing but a shadow of my ex husband. It’s like they all fell out of the same tree. Emotionally unavailable. Liars. Cheaters. Good CHRISTIAN men. The pattern is relentless and exhausting.

That man took so much from me. He stole what my idea of marriage was and incinerated it. He took my youth and he wasted all of my trust without the slightest hint of remorse. There is no way to repair that.

But he will never take away Marianna’s first two points in a basketball game. He doesn’t get to see Luca hit his first triple in baseball. He won’t get to see Anthoni graduate later this year and become a better man than he could ever dream of being. 

I get all of that, and there is nothing he can do to take that away from me. I have so much more to look forward to with my kids. All I think he has to hope for now is death. He must live a miserable existence wherever in the world he might be now. At least I like to think so. 

The joke’s on him anyway. He abandoned me with all the love I will ever need for my entire life. It lives behind the six tootsie roll brown eyes that look just like his.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Reflection

Image
This picture will always be one of my favorites, but not for the reasons you might think. I was smack dab in the middle of the absolute worst time of my life, just trying to put on a smile for these three little people that were and are still much more important than me. Nanna was only 2 months old, Luca 16 months, and Anthoni was 8. My body felt ravaged, like it had been pregnant for nearly two years straight and my mind was going downhill. Fast.  I was so alone. Covered with kids at all times, but more alone than I have ever felt. It did not make sense. It’s the part of motherhood that no one tells you about. You give up your own identity in order to raise a new one. I knew what depression was. I had dealt with it since my teenage years, so that was nothing new. Postpartum depression was a much deeper hole. I was supposed to be so overwhelmed with love for these little people that nothing else mattered. Who cares if I hadn’t taken a shower in 4 days or slept more than thirty consecut
Read more

Merchants Tire and Auto

Image
I’m currently sitting at my most least favorite car place, Merchant's Tire and Auto. They changed their name to NTB several years ago, but it will always just be Merchant’s to me.  It doesn’t matter what I do, I always end up spending 2 plus hours in this damn place. Today I set an appointment for an oil change and am leaving with a new set of tires an alignment and $1000 poorer. Despite all of that, I still keep coming here. They have always done all the maintenance on my Odyssey mom van and I don’t really feel like they try to rip me off too badly. I always bring my notebook with me to write. I have written several poems in the waiting room of this grimy car shop. I’m writing this from the same spot right now. But I don’t feel poetic right now, just reflective. There is a couple here that made me feel the urge to go prose. Characters in my day. There is a tall skinny, furry necked man sitting across from me as I first sit down. I could hear him as I was checking in. Grunting and
Read more

60

  Maybe when I’m 60 I won’t care so much There won’t be this feeling Of missing human touch I won’t think about What might have been I’ll just be grateful each day That I wake up again Maybe when you’re 60 You won’t need to feed your ego You’ll give up all the lies And live free to come and go You will be the one alone  When you’re done with the chase It’s a fact that I am sure You are not willing to face Maybe when we’re 60 There could be space for you and I  An option to be together And a willingness to try More likely we’ll just be memories  Thoughts of what could have been Another time from the past Before we can remember when We’ve had lifetimes together In stories we can’t recall When I look at you I can still feel them all Maybe when I’m 60 The time will match up right Maybe when we’re 60 We will start our next life When I’m 60 for sure I’ll learn to simmer down Not be such a hellcat of a woman Mad at everything around When I get there Will all this still be a mystery  I guess I
Read more